


I'm All Yours, I've Got No Control (Over When I'll Lost You)

by Lotsofloveandangst



Series: It Wasn't Easy To Be Happy For You (And I'm Not Trying To) [2]
Category: Mindhunter (TV 2017)
Genre: Angst, Breaking Up & Making Up, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, M/M, Panic Attacks, Period-Typical Homophobia, Smut, as always, holden and brian bond, writing this hurt my heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-11
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2021-01-20 21:34:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21288515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lotsofloveandangst/pseuds/Lotsofloveandangst
Summary: Nancy finds out about Holden and Bill.
Relationships: Holden Ford/Bill Tench
Series: It Wasn't Easy To Be Happy For You (And I'm Not Trying To) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1534646
Comments: 4
Kudos: 68





	I'm All Yours, I've Got No Control (Over When I'll Lost You)

**Author's Note:**

> My account where I will start talking about my stories and where you can ask questions is on Tumblr @danzecantfandom.  
Warning: there is sexual content at the beginning of this chapter and if you aren't comfortable with that, there will be a bar separating the wholesome stuff from the smut.  
ALSO: there is the f slur in here because of a confrontation with Nancy. I am so sorry if that is triggering, it's only said once. Please don't read this if it will affect you negatively.  
I honestly was sitting on this for forever. I kept thinking, this is what I'll write and I'm going to add this in. So I'm so excited to share this with you all! I hope you enjoyed it immensely.  
The first story needs to be read to understand a few things.

The sun was peering into Holden's eyes and he winced at the light. He stretched out on the cotton sheets and realized that something important had been missing. Holden had been exhausted from last night. Work had left Holden in anticipation. Bill had been brushing up against him and touching him every chance he got, despite not ever really needed to. He would call Holden over to 'take a look' at an important case, take a hold of his arm and guide him to read words that were insignificant. He would place his hands on Holden's waist when he passed by. It was an incredible risk that he took, but one that Holden appreciated entirely. When they drove home in Bill's car together, Holden waited until they were on the highway to reach over and squeeze Bill's thigh, so close but not on top of his bulge. Bill just glanced over, smirked, and kept driving. 

Once they were in the house, Bill was no longer collected. He pressed Holden against the door and stared at his lips and said, "do you know how hard it is to keep myself from kissing you or touching you 24/7?" Holden's heart stuttered. He never felt like a sexual being or anyone to lust after, but being held and taken care of by Bill always made him melt and feel like a prince. Bill's hands cradled Holden's face and they just stared for a moment, their breathing in sync. Holden decided to pick up the pace by sliding his hands behind his back and into the pockets of his trousers. He inched closer to his boyfriend, and their lips brushed. Bill's lips were chapped from the cold and probably a bit of dehydration. He licked at his lips and they happened to touch Bill's as well and that was enough. 

Bill devoured him. The kisses they shared were frantic. Their tounges glided and Bill's hands found his hair and tugged. Holden let out a soft moan and his hips began to roll in towards Bill. Holden nibbled softly at Bill's lower lip before Bill moved towards his neck and placed a few kisses there. He felt heat pool towards his belly and his arousal grew. "Please, just," he muttered. He remembers how he was with others. Always trying to take control but eager to learn more. But with Bill, he was simply putty in his hands, and he didn't mind one bit. Bill took him out of his head and made him feel safe and free to make mistakes if he ever did. 

"You're so impatient," Bill chuckled, "I thought you were supposed to be good for me." Holden was, he always was. He nodded feebly. Bill tugged once more just to see Holden's brows furrow and proceeded to move down towards his belt buckle. The sound of the metal clanging against the floor was merely background noise, Holden was more in tune with the sound of his heart pounding in his ear and their heavy breathing. Holden still had his shoes on and corrected that for both him and Bill. Only clothed in his white button-up and tie, Holden swayed his hips towards the bedroom, trying to mimicking what women often did in movies. He didn't consider himself to be one, but he knew what got Bill going, and sometimes for himself appearing more feminine in sexual situations was just as stimulating for him. 

He rested his hands against the doorframe and looked back. He debated on whether or not he should say something but decided that the tiny smile he allowed to poke through was enough, knowing that the hunger in his eyes would pull Bill in. Bill stood there, looking unaffected, and Holden knew he was not mirroring the same look. He felt as though Bill had torn him apart with the foreplay. He walked into the room and stripped himself of the rest of his clothes and waited patiently for Bill to come in. When Bill sauntered into the room, he had been removing his tie. He unbuttoned his shirt slowly and told Holden, "touch yourself."

They had done this a few times, but somehow he felt like everything was new. Every experience felt like the first time and excited him just as much. He reached down after getting his palm wet and stroked himself slowly. Bill leaned down to place his lips on Holden's and swallowed his gasps once he touched Holden's cock. His grip was firm and exactly what Holden needed. His eyes fluttered shut, overwhelmed by his boyfriend. All the touches ceased since Bill went to go get the slick. Once they resumed, Holden couldn't help himself. His hips were undulating and his voice rang in his ears as he moaned. Bill tutted as Holden began to release cries that were growing louder as Bill's pace grew faster. "You're lucky we don't have neighbors, you would get us kicked out." 

Holden was extremely happy to know Bill so well that he could tell was joking, but it was true. If they lived in an apartment complex, they would have to fuck in silence, trying so hard not to make the bed squeak and shake. Holden would have to hold in every cry and plea for more because Bill seemed to love to torture him most when Holden believed he deserved mercy. Bill dipped his hands in the slick again and rubbed gently over Holden's hole. His legs trembled and he had to ask, "can we lay down? Please?" Luckily, the please buttered Bill up enough that his request was answered. Bill prepped him thoroughly. Making sure that Holden was stretched enough. Three fingers were entering him at a furious pace that made his toes curl and he lifted his knuckle to his mouth and bit down. He wanted to scream. He could barely control himself anymore. 

Bill pulled his fingers out carefully before placing his cockhead against Holden. It was second nature for Holden to inhale as Bill pushed it. Fuck, he loved the feeling of being full with him, being stretched to the brim by Bill's fat cock. Bill waited for a moment before thrusting into him. At first, it was a steady pace that had Holden clenching against the sheets, Bill's body above him and surrounding him. Then, Bill pushed up and lifted Holden's legs up. His thrusts were now hard and slow, and so deep, Holden reached out to grab at Bill's shoulders and raked his fingers there. He left little marks, glad that he didn't hurt him for real, but he was so lost in the haze of their lovemaking he wasn't sure he could care right now. He was hot and sweating. Bill's hand on his thigh had almost fallen off. His thrusts were so hard, Holden's eyes were rolling and he was so lax. His head was bobbing back against the pillow. 

"Come on, baby," Bill rasped, out of breath. Pet names were rare from Bill and never came from Holden because he wasn't exactly sure when to use them, but whenever a pet name was directed at him, he melted. He moved again, leaning back so Holden would come forward and sit in his lap. They were so close and Holden felt like Bill was even deeper at this angle, pressing against him just right. His hard cock rubbed against Bill's stomach as he rolled his hips. Bill was just staring at him. His eyes were so intense and Holden couldn't look away. The motions became erratic as they neared their climax. Bill's hands made contact with his ass and he knew it would be red once this was over and he didn't mind one bit. He jerked forward as the slaps continued and reached down to finish himself off. His moan died out as he muttered a curse and soiled Bill's skin with the streaks on his cum. Some of his had reached his chin but most stayed in his gray chest hair. Bill slowed down to spare Holden but came soon after and Holden could feel the hot wet mess. He moaned again and slumped against his boyfriend. Bill placed kisses sporadically over his collarbones. 

"I love you."

"I knew you were the type to say I love you after sex," Bill chuckled. Holden whacked him gently and rolled his eyes. He knew that meant he was loved too, so he didn't mind being teased.

* * *

Bill had fallen asleep next to him after they'd cleaned up. His face was stuffed into the gray chest hair and Bill's hand was stroking his hair while the other was wrapped around him. He assumed that Bill was just making breakfast or something along those lines since the shower wasn't running. He put on the shirt closest to him. Once he realized it was Bill's since the sleeves were too long, he smiled and hoped that the sight of him in Bill's clothes would gain him something like last night. He was too sleepy to hear the murmurs and a female voice as he exited their bedroom and called out, "Bill?" Next to Bill was Nancy in the doorway. Holden's neck had a few hickeys and Nancy had been to their place enough times to know that Holden had just exited their bedroom in only Bill's white button-up. Nancy's eyes were wide with disbelief. 

Holden was frozen in place and he could feel the rush of blood to his palms and his heart rate was ready to skyrocket. He tried to listen to her reaction. She screamed, "what the fuck is going on here?" Bill was the only one who seemed to have his shit together, as always. He told Nancy to come inside, not wanting to alert the neighbors and got her to sit on the couch after she gave up on her protests. 

"Did this happen when we were married?" Nancy said roughly. 

"No. Holden and I are fairly new," Holden's heart stung at those words but a year and a half must've felt like nothing to Bill when he compared it to his relationship with Nancy, "and I didn't think about anything like this when we were together." Holden got what the purpose of Bill's words were, but it still burned him all the same. He was still standing in the hallway, too scared to enter the living room fully and just watched from afar. 

"You think this is okay," she swallowed, "to have Brian around this? He's fucked up enough. He doesn't need a faggot for a father!" she roared. Holden wanted to come to Bill's defense but he was sure anything he said would make the situation a million times worse. Nancy held her face in her hands and Holden noticed that Bill was trembling. Holden backed out of the room then and was surprised that Bill had followed. 

Bill was suddenly surrounding him as he let out shuttering breaths. Holden always managed to ruin everything. He didn't deserve to be happy. He messed up Bill's life and he had messed up his other relationships. He was never well-liked, too methodical and then too reckless. Bill held on to him as he went to get him a Valium. He swallowed it dry and they stood there wrapped in each other's arms. Once he calmed down, they went outside again, nowhere near each other, to speak to Nancy. 

"Brian shouldn't see you anymore. Who knows if this is contagious? You could've gotten it from Holden and you could give it to Brian," she nodded to herself as if she found the root of the problem. Holden curled his hands into fists and just tried to keep breathing. He didn't know how he dealt with this when Bill wasn't able to offer him comfort. The past moments felt so surreal. From the moment he stepped out of their bedroom to just be near him again, everything seemed to be pulling him away. Holden knew what he had to do. 

"You can't take him away from me, Nance. Besides, Holden makes him better," Bill snapped back. He was so intimidating like this. Holden never had to be around their tense relationship and he was glad that he was able to avoid it. Bill had turned into a porcupine, he was completely closed up. It was as if Nancy never truly knew him, but Holden knew that couldn't be true. That was just wishful thinking that he was Bill's one and only. 

"What do you mean, Holden makes him better?" 

The summer Brian spent over here had resulted in an amazing progression of his relationship with his father. Brian talked a lot more than before and actually expressed whether he was angry or sad or whatever else seemed to go on in his brain. Bill liked to blame it on Holden's ability to connect to Brian. He didn't want to take the credit at all because that felt like too much. Brian probably only tolerated him, he couldn't tell yet. Brian still hadn't said I love you to Bill, but Holden was sure that he believed that his dad did love him. He grew a lot, too. He would throw himself at Holden and try to play fight and he responded to hugs. Not all the time, but sometimes, and that was enough for both of them. Holden had truly never wanted kids, but seeing Brian's face made him ask Bill later in the evening if they could have another one. Bill looked down at him to laugh and noticed that Holden had been kind of serious. 

("I just mean, if we could, would you want to adopt another kid?" Bill didn't respond the way he had wanted. He left him feeling like an idiot for bringing it up, but while he showered, Bill brushed his teeth and all of a sudden the curtain was pulled back. Holden glared, trying not to be too upset because it wasn't like it could happen anyway. Bill had a kid already and he had lived his life. _This_ was most likely just a pit stop in a mid-life crisis, or worse, Holden was just a bed warmer because Bill wasn't used to being alone and he had no desire to be so he settled for Holden. 

"I would want a girl or no deal." Holden released a breath he didn't know he was holding and didn't hesitate to smile before kissing him and getting the taste of arm and hammer on his lips. Holden would want a girl, too. He felt a little crazy for thinking up this fantasy. Not only did it make him feel secure in their relationship, but he genuinely wanted something like this with Bill. He just was devasted that they wouldn't get to have it.)

"He talks to me, to us now. He's much more open," Bill expressed. It was clear Nancy didn't know how to respond which made Holden assume she had not witnessed the changes they had. "He's smiling and he laughs and he has cried before when he was upset," Bill said astonished. Nancy was silent now, staring at her palms. She had come over dressed up like she was going on a date. Holden tried to swallow the jealousy he felt because it was irrational. Nancy had left him, but there was always this tiny part of Holden that believed Nancy would come back and take him away. He imagined Bill would go willingly, it was for the best after all. 

"Brian is not coming over if he's here," she repeated and prepared to leave. She got up and smoothed her dress down and headed for the door. 

"I will leave." The words left Holden's mouth without him knowing. Bill's head whi[pped toward him and Nancy looked back at him. "I will move out so Brian can be here without my influence." He looked down then, not wanting to feel the pressure of the others' stare. Nancy said okay and left. Bill got up from his recliner and went to retrieve his glass. Holden heard the sound of liquid pouring and knew that it was alcohol. Holden never even put on proper pants. He decided to head back into bed and wait for Bill to come to him. He spent the time waiting for Bill to enter the room or even stand at the doorway by reading a book and then taking a nap. 

Bill came in around 7 and the talk with Nancy had happened around 4. He slept in so late because they got in so late. Their job was so fucking taxing and the travel made everything worse. Now, after picking out what seemed to be a perfect home, he had to leave it. Bill went to the bathroom and Holden heard the water running. He could no longer stand the suspense and followed him. Bill didn't spare him a glance, he just stared straight forward as he scrubbed over his gums. Holden stood behind him and watched him bend down to spit and straighten back up. "Say something, please," Holden pleaded. He was always begging for responses from Bill. 

Bill set down the toothbrush in the ceramic holder and shifted his weight to one side, his hands resting on the counter. "What do you want me to say, Holden?" He moved again and headed back into the bedroom. Holden followed like he always did. "Great plan, let's swap out one person for the other! That'll solve everything," Bill grimaced. 

Holden hated when this happened. They didn't fight like this often. Most of their arguments could be solved with them explaining their thoughts and then kisses, but sometimes their arguments would go like this: Bill tenses up and becomes a sarcastic asshole and hurts Holden's feelings by accident. Holden begs for a real response because they are meant to be mature adults. Holden proceeds to apologize for pushing him too far, only to be interrupted by Bill apologizing about being emotionally stunted. He is finally provided a real explanation and then they're both satisfied and ready to make up.

"You wouldn't want to be without Brian. You would resent me for it and you know it!" Holden was shaking now. He had three hours to think this over and he was still angry. "I was trying to save everything. This way we're still together, maybe not as often, but we're together. And Brian still has you. He needs you."

"Nancy fucking moved out, too and look what fucking happened!" Bill left the bed then to, Holden assumed, get another drink despite brushing his teeth. Holden followed then, shocked by the words and surprised that the admission occurred so early into the argument. Bill was gulping his glass down and prepared to pour another one. Holden waited for him to say anything else. 

"I'm not Nancy. I have been here for you as much as possible through everything. I found this house for us, Brian included. I don't care about your stupid fucking work hours because they're mine too. I don't have a problem with you drinking or traveling or being a grouch sometimes because I love you. And Brian being a little different doesn't change that because I think he's a wonderful kid and," Holden stopped to breathe, "I can't believe you'd think I just leave."

"Yeah, well maybe you should." Holden should've known he'd say something like this. He tensed up, praying that his fear wasn't coming true. He never wanted to lose Bill. 

"That wasn't the point of my proposal, Bill," Holden whispered. He felt so tiny and insignificant. He didn't think any of the words he said were going to reason with him. "This wasn't me trying to find some secret way out, this is me trying to hold on to us and keep Brian from becoming worse." Holden was fighting back tears now. 

"I couldn't tell because you seemed so eager to leave," his tone was rocks being thrown at his skin. Holden couldn't talk anymore, probably proving Bill's point as he was so eager to leave the conversation. He went to his bathtub then and filled the water up hot. The resolution would have to wait for now. He laid there trying to think about when Bill was meant to see Brian next. He needed to find a place within the next two weeks. It would be difficult, but he planned to be with Bill forever, so he needed to find a place close enough that he could come to see Bill whenever and maybe get stolen glances of Brian. Once he was ready, his fingers and toes all pruned up, he left the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. Bill was in bed now. He watched Holden climb into the bed next to him. 

"I need to go looking for a house. Come with me?" Bill just glanced at him and scoffed. 

"I don't like this idea."

"I know. You don't have to, but it's happening. Please look with me. I want you to want to come over as well," Holden tried for a light tone that would maybe convince Bill to have mercy on him but of course, that didn't work.

"I don't want to find a new place to come over. I love our home here that you picked out for us and that we're meant to stay in," Bill persisted with his opinion. Holden gripped at Bill's bicep and placed a kiss there. He sighed in a silent agreement, not wanting to say anything because he feared that Bill could convince him to abandon the idea. 

"You don't want Brian to come visit me there?" Holden pouted. Bill raised an eyebrow at him and puffed out a breath of air. He was a sucker for his pleading. Bill cupped Holden's face and pressed a light kiss to his lips. He closed his eyes tightly, trying to hold on to the moment. Bill nodded and raked his hands through Holden's curly hair. They didn't mention the fact that Bill had basically said he wanted to break up because it was words said in anger and in haste rather than words Holden was meant to take to heart. 

"I love you, Holden. Remember that." Holden would. He would hold on to every moment they had together just in case Bill forgot. 

Holden and Bill had found a place only a few streets down. It was much smaller, with one bedroom and a kitchen. The bathroom was tiny, too, barely any room for the baths that Holden so often enjoyed. Brian couldn't really come here to play, only to visit and catch up like he was a grown man. Brian would be 9 soon. Holden knew that he wasn't invited to the birthday party. Bill had barely nodded his approval for the place. When they returned home, to Bill's house, Holden's boxes were stacked up in the living room. Holden wrote a letter to Brian to reassure him so when he saw him again, he wouldn't be too upset. 

Holden felt like all of this was so dramatic, but all the times that they got to see each other, they were never truly themselves. They only got to be absolutely in love when they were home together. Brian would stay weeks at their house, so he couldn't just stay at someone's else place every other week or break or whatever it was that prompted Nancy to drop him off. At work, he would have to keep his distance. It was back to stolen moments that Holden would cherish and Bill would have to as well. He supposed they had separation anxiety or something, so used to invading every crevice of each other's lives.

"Bill," Holden addressed. 

"Yes?" Bill was facing him in bed, arms around him and they were too scared to let go. 

"Would you marry me if we could?" Holden whispered. It was only them, not everyone needed to know. Holden knew he was asking a lot. Too many hypotheticals that probably added to the difficulties of their relationship, but he didn't care. He needed to know. 

"I'd marry you, and then we'd adopt a baby girl and we'd live in this house," Bill smirked and kissed the corner of Holden's mouth. Holden brought a toy to Brian's room with a note underneath it. 

It had been some time since Holden had been to his first home and that meant Brian was due for a visit to him. He tidied up his house as clean as possible and when the doorbell rang, he shot up from where he was seated. Brian wasn't hiding his face but he didn't jump into Holden's arms. "Hey, Brian," Holden smiled. 

"Hi, Holden," Brian greeted back. Bill nudged him forward to go inside and they went to sit in the living room. Holden went to get the food ready, takeout from Brian's favorite Chinese place, and saw Brian playing with a bus, a car, and a toy train. He smiled to himself and presented the food to his boys. He felt the urge to kiss Bill but settled on a hand squeeze. Holden turned on his TV to some sitcom but he wasn't really paying any attention. He was too focused on the fact that he had his family again. 

"Holden?" Brian's voice stood out against the murmur of the TV. 

"Yes?"

"When will you come back to my dad's house? It's much bigger and better there," he said absent-mindedly. He was still focused on playing with his toys. 

"I don't think I will, Bri, but you can always come to see me here," Holden tried to keep a chipper tone, but nobody had liked the move. He changed the subject by asking, "Do you like the bus I got you?"

Brian nodded and made the noises, humming wheels on the bus to himself. He thinks that Bill read the letter to Brian. He hopes he did, he didn't know how much Brian had learned from school. Bill was watching the TV, silent as always. Holden just sat back for a second and embraced the moment. "Dad, can we sleep here?" Holden was shocked by Brian's question because he expressed his discontent a few seconds earlier, but it wasn't possible. That was the worse part. 

"No, Bri."

"Why not?"

"There isn't enough room," Holden butted in, not wanting Bill to be the bad guy. "I only have one bed." 

"I have an idea," Brian chirped, "I could sleep on the couch and Dad could sleep on the floor." He nodded like it was the most genius idea in the world. Holden smiled and glanced at Bill, who also found this humorous. 

"Brian, your dad can't sleep on the floor. I would want you to stay, but you can't," Holden reached down and ruffled his hair, amusement in his voice. He was so scared that Brian would hate him, but everything was the same. He had not regressed in his speech either.

"Why not?" Holden looked at Bill then, wondering if they should tell him the truth. He was old enough to keep a secret, but that was a burden he shouldn't exactly have to carry. It was Bill, Nancy, and Holden's business. At the same time, Bill had told Holden that the best thing was to be transparent with Brian. Holden waited for Bill's consent still. there was no reason to rock the boat that was their relationship. Once Bill shrugged, Holden answered his question.

"Your mom doesn't want me to be around you anymore, but your dad and I think that me leaving you isn't such a good idea," Holden confessed. He wouldn't be leaving Bill, not ever, but having limited interactions with Brian had made things feel so out of place. Brian stopped playing with his toys then and his brow furrowed. 

"What did I do wrong now?" He sighed, exasperated. Holden knew that Brian would still be fragile and probably would be his whole life. 

"Nothing," Holden reached to tilt Brian's face up, "remember what I wrote in your letter?" Holden had gone on a rant about how his leave had nothing to do with Brian. He told Brian that he loved him in the letter and he hadn't in real life. Maybe he was too scared to, he didn't know yet. Holden told him that he could visit any time. 

"Why doesn't my mom like you, then? Did you keep a secret from her?" Brian was just applying his situation to Holden, but that was quite literally it. There hadn't been more problems with Brian. He had been doing his schoolwork and had a few friends that he talked about. He didn't cause any additional trouble in school and Nancy said that she was a part of the PTA.

Bill stepped in then to clarify what was going on, "Your mom and Holden had a disagreement, so we can't see Holden as often. When we do, it has to be over here. I would like Holden to come back to the house as well, but I won't be able to see you if he does. I'm sorry, kid." Brian just went blank. He didn't respond to Bill or Holden when they told him to say goodbye at the end of the meeting. Holden closed the door and prayed that one of the best relationships in his life hadn't been ruined. 

Nancy appeared at his door a few days later. "If you're going to insult me, you can't come in," he deadpanned. Nancy just rolled her eyes. She stood there with her arms crossed and her body ramrod straight. Holden was in his pajamas, moping about being alone again. He had been watching a cartoon just to past the time, not wanting to focus on work for a second or the mess that his personal life had become so quickly.

"What did you tell my son?" She demanded. When Holden and Bill had told Brian a cursory version of what had happened, he thought about the repercussions for the, but not for Nancy. He didn't need to care for her. She stripped Bill of a family twice, and Brian as well. Nancy was just as much at fault for whatever happened with Brian as Bill was, but she seemed to blame it all on his absence. Holden could not deny that an absent father affected children deeply, but a mother who only cared about optics fucked up others as well, Holden would know. 

"The truth."

"Why was he with you again?" She was seething, recognizing that they were on the front porch and noisy neighbors couldn't be too far away. Holden wanted to appear as kind as possible, all too aware of what a riff between them could result in.

"Bill said he wanted to see me. I wrote him a letter saying goodbye, but he still wanted to come-"

"Bullshit! Bull! shit," she reached out to poke at Holden's chest, "It was you and Bill trying to sneak around. Did you think my own son wouldn't talk to me?" Nancy's hair was flopping around. Holden decided to let her inside then, and she marched in furiously. 

"I wasn't trying to sneak around. Bill had to tell him the truth because he kept asking questions and we didn't want to lie to him," Holden's explanation was futile. Nancy already had it in her mind that they were working against her. They should've been since she kept trying to rip Bill apart from his son. "I swear. I believe that Brian is mature enough to know the truth."

"You don't know my son. What do you think you are? Bill's new wife? Brian's new mom?"

"No, I-"

"You can try all you want. Brian is my child and Bill was my husband. I know him and he would never do something like this if he was in his right mind. I don't know what my son has said to you but I don't think I can trust him if he's around you," she spat the words in his direction. He was too furious to be anxious at this point. He was ready to speak out and stand his ground. 

"You can have your opinions about my relationship with Bill, but I care for Brian. He is important to me and he told me that he wanted to see me. Brian wanted me to come home, alright? And I wish I could, but I am respecting the agreement we had," she scoffed, "and I had to say goodbye to him formally. When Bill left, Brian told me that he thought his dad didn't love him and I didn't want him to think that about me," Holden felt winded. He chose his words carefully, hoping to get through to her. 

"Are you saying that you love my son?"

"Yes. He's a wonderful kid and I love getting to take care of him. I don't think I'm Bill's wife, I don't think I'm Brian's mom, but I think that I've become an important character in his life. He needs stability and I don't think it would be fair for me to pull away from him when he's innocent in all this," Holden felt like things were starting to look up and that she had maybe understood where she was coming from. 

"You weren't there for the mess that occurred. You don't know how difficult it can be to have him not respond to you." Holden wondered if she was talking about Brian or Bill. The two were so similar sometimes it was painful. 

"I have to fight for Brian to talk to me, sometimes. I don't know why he talks to me, but I'm glad he does," he looked down before continuing, "Bill doesn't tell me everything that goes on in his mind. I have to figure it out for myself or be patient and hope that he wants to tell me." Maybe Nancy would like that he had to provoke Bill to get a response. The thing is, Holden understood where some of the frustration came from. He could tell Debbie about his cases at first, and then it took over everything and she left. No one who wasn't interested in criminal justice wanted to hear about it. It was gruesome, the things they heard, the things Holden said sometimes. 

Nancy put her hand to her head and sighed, "I already told you to leave him alone. So please, stop coming around my son."

"Don't you care that this could affect him? That it would hurt him?"

"Please," she guffawed, "you're overstating your importance. Sometimes adults have to do the difficult thing for the child. You wouldn't understand." She reached into her purse and she put the toy bus that Holden had given Brian on the table. She left then. Holden inhaled sharply before deciding to call Bill. It would be easier to have a conversation like this over the phone. Once he answered, Holden relayed the conversation, anxiety surging through his bones, and waited for Bill to respond. 

_"I'm sorry, baby. I won't bring him around anymore." _His voice was so comforting and Holden wanted to break down. He knew that conversations like this would keep him going until he could see Bill's face again. When they were together at work, it still felt distant. Holden wanted Bill to come sleep at his house. His bed wasn't big enough and Holden had developed this fear of being in his old home. He didn't think he'd be able to leave it once he entered it again. Bill just stayed with him until he fell asleep and when Holden woke up, he woke up alone. Something he was getting too used to. 

"He keeps asking about you. He wants to know if you have his bus because he wants it back," Bill chuckled as he smoked a cigarette. Holden had somehow, even in all his contempt for it, he missed that smell. Bill's hand was combing through his curls as always, as he laid on his chest on the couch. Holden sighed and look on the table right at the bus. 

"I would give it back to him if I could," Holden rolled around to face Bill. "I would do this so differently. I made such a mess of everything," he grumbled. 

"No you didn't, baby. I promise that everything will be okay. Nancy'll cool off and Brian will be right back here, or at home, screaming his head off about taking a bath," Bill started.

"Or about the games we play. And he'll get up to grab seconds when he likes the food I made with him. I'll get to read him a bedtime story and I won't have to say goodbye again," Holden's breaths were coming out in shudders. He had gotten so attached to their little family so quickly. He got attached to everything so quickly. 

"And I'll tell him that we love him, and then we get to sleep our heads off and do it all over again," Bill smiled and press a quick kiss to his mouth, hoping that would make Holden smile. And Holden did. 

"I love you, Bill Tench."

"And I love you, Holden Tench," Bill replied with a half-smile and nervousness in his eyes. Holden just smushed his face to his for a messy kiss and prayed that everything they talked about would come true one day.

**Author's Note:**

> What did you guys think? If I write another piece what would you want to see? I really need recommendations because I would like to continue this but I'm not sure what to say exactly.


End file.
